Hello Blogger World-
Writing out my thoughts has always been a great release to me. With this blog I hope to change my viewpoints about myself but also to share my life with others who may happen to stumble upon my words. This blog will not be just about my weight loss, as there are more aspects to who I am besides my weight, but it will be a major component of the blog. I am trying to change my course in life, I have opened my mind to endless possibilities available to me and the one obstacle that always seems to pull me back has been my weight. If I can get over this hurdle, I know everything else I'm reaching for will just fall into place.
I've been overweight my entire life. Food has always been a comfort to me. I'm sure it stems to my childhood. Whenever I asked for food it was given. Whenever I was bored or upset, I was given a drink or food. Whenever my parents would fight I'd be given something to eat as a distraction. For as long as I can remember the only constant comfort in my life has been food. It's not hard to understand why since age 5, I've been considerably overweight. My whole childhood I was known as the fat girl. My nickname in 5th grade was "the blimp". I always felt worthless about myself because I was made to believe so.
I got married at age 20, to a blind man. Don't get me wrong, I love my husband very much. He's my best friend and he loves me unconditionally. BUT, part of me felt as though he was the best I can do. I don't mean that in a derogatory term towards my husband but to myself. At least he doesn't have to look at me, because as society says "fat is not beautiful". I've never felt as though I were beautiful.
A year later we had twins. Two beautiful children who mean the entire world to me. And I weigh in at a whopping 300 lbs. THREE HUNDRED POUNDS. I was horrified with myself. I thought here I am 21 years old and I'm going to be fat my entire life because it's all I've ever known. I spent the first two years of my children's lives ashamed and depressed at who I was and what I would always be.
In 2009, I was unofficially diagnosed with PCOS. (I had all the symptoms, the dr. said more than likely this was my problem) I also had been told I had an enlarged liver due to fatty deposits. This was what I needed to wake up. It felt as though I had been living a lie for quite some time about who I was and what I could be. I found a website, sparkpeople.com, and joined. I walked every day and before I knew it I was losing weight! I reached a loss of 122 lbs in 18 months. I was so proud of myself, I was at my lowest weight, and I felt like I was able to conquer anything in the world.
That is until I fell off my horse.
For some unknown reason, I allowed myself to fall back into my previous patterns. I started to believe the old things I used to tell myself. Since losing those 122 lbs, I've been struggling and am back up 65 lbs. I am almost back to my original weight.
I don't want to live like this anymore. I know the battle is first with myself. I know I have the power and determination to reach my goals but I just can't get out of my own fucking head. I try to focus on the positive things in life, every day I focus on being positive, daily affirmations but the one thing that stops me dead in my tracks is the negativity I have about my own self.
I have decided that I am no longer going to give into the lie.
I refuse to believe that I am less than another based on my weight. I refuse to believe that I am incapable of reaching any goal I want because I deserve more than what I tell myself.
This blog will serve as a therapeutic tool for myself for this NEW life long journey I'm about to embark upon. This time I am going to heal not only my body but my mind so that when I do reach my weight loss goal, I won't allow myself to fall in that same thought process because that girl will be long gone.
DAY 1
SW:246.6
CW:246.6
GW: 145
